Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Randomize
