I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
