the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Randomize
