Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
