At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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