I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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