I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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