i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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