In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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