i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
