At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
