so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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