recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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