those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
