I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
