It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
