Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
