I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
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Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
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No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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