Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
