I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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