i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
