glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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