WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
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