First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Someone came in the potted fern
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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