And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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