He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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