is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
