The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
not ubering you a puppy
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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