I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
