I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm like, not good at living.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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