allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
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When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
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she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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