you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
