the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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