Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
