So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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