just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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