So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
