I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
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I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
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You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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