I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
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i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
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Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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