i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
