if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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