This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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