Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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