stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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