He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My feet surprised me
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
