i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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