I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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