My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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