Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
