If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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