Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
