she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
