I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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