Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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