Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
