if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
