so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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