why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize