I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
