I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
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Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
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So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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