dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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